Thanksgiving

I just finished watching End of the Spear, and am finding myself in tears.

This has been an emotional roller coaster of a Thanksgiving. This morning I read a post on Angie Smith's blog, which has actually since been removed, but I completed her original challenge to write down one thing that I am thankful for-but something that I don't necessarily feel thankful for. I completed this challenge in my journal and for the first time in 2 years, felt that I could completely and honestly speak to God the real feelings I was feeling. I've masked my heart, barricaded it inside walls I thought was protecting me from the hurts and brokenness I felt through that breakup and loss. It was a freeing moment, a realization that God has truly knit me from before time, has laid out my days before me, has given me purpose and direction. He will use that experience and period in my life for His glory and probably in ways I cannot even fathom at this moment. Again, I am brought to tears as I think about the way God has directed my steps since I came to know Him in 1997. There have been many experiences along the way, but my senior year in college stands out the most - it was when I was seeking God, finding Him, but for some reason I simply did not believe I could trust Him with my life. So I rebelled. I blatantly stood in God's presence - was given the choice of obedience or sin. And I chose sin. On several specific occasions. I thought I could guide my life on my own, in the direction I wanted to take it. Like the prodigal son, God let me go off on my own. But when all that I was seeking and putting my heart and time into was lost, God was there calling me home. But even though I tried to return, I was still trying to hide my shame and rebellion, so I didn't fully return to God. I feel like the events of the last few weeks have been a turning point - a shedding of past shame, guilt, fear to reveal that I have a heart created by God to love and serve Him. He has given me gifts, talents, passions, desires that I should not be afraid of. I know God is calling me to rediscover who I am - who He has created me to be. And I know that my past experiences, choices, & hurts will be redeemed to bring God glory. They are a part of my past - a part of how God has been at work in my life. And I pray He will use them in ways I can't even imagine.

And I really miss my Grandpa this Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for my family - that most of us could spend it together (except my cousin in Florida). This is our first Thanksgiving without my grandpa and it was hard. His absence was felt, once I looked up & saw the back of Dave's head and for a fleeting instant, thought it was Grandpa. But in the midst of his absence, there were tears, laughter, games played, new friendship with Kelli & Marcus's friend Siva (from Malaysia who joined our family Thanksgiving), and great conversations.

That brings me to my cousin Kalen, who for some reason I have just lost connection with. I was thinking about her today, how she and I used to be pen pals when she was in South Carolina as we were growing up. She visited in 6th grade and we had some stupid argument and it seems that since then there has just been this unspoken rift between us. It's like we just never addressed what happened and ever since, we just drifted apart. I am praying for God to crumble my stupid pride or fear and open an opportunity to mend that relationship. I have spent too much time being afraid of what people think and I want God to move in this brokenness I feel over this strained relationship. God, give me faith and humility to confess my wrongs, my pride for not addressing it sooner, and forgiveness for a decade of silence.

And then that brings me to this movie. I remember when M & I were struggling in our relationship, his bible study leader took him to see this movie, and afterward he recommended I see it sometime. I was upset he went because we had talked about seeing it together and he went w/out me. But it's always weird (Not really :) ) when God lets things happen in his own time - that He chose tonight for me to watch it. I was broken by the fact that this young boy, whose father was killed at the hand of a Waorani warrior was able to forgive that man, and eventually move to live with him. His own children see this former warrior like their own grandfather - the man who killed their actual grandfather. The crazy thing is that it's the story of the group of missionary men killed including Jim Elliot. In my 2004 cultural anthropology class, we actually read an ethnography on this people group. A people group known for their cycle of avenge-killing. It was the wives and children of the murdered missionaries who made the first successful contact with this people group. The wives of the murdered missionaries. I can't imagine losing a husband and then going to live and share Christ to his murderer. But God calls us to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek. How well do I do that? But these are God's people, God's creation. Who am I to think one person is "better" or more "worthy" to God? Who am I to judge who is worthy of salvation? Because the truth is, none of us are. But God has created each of us, given each a purpose. And I want to be available to encourage, to spur on, to love. And I need more of God to do so.

God broke a lot of walls down in my heart today. Now I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is while I'm standing here in the rubble :)

Lord, thank you for working in all circumstances, and thank you even more for all circumstances. Even the hard ones we'd like to erase or do differently. Help me to see that even the worst times are not for nothing. Jesus, I pray for the hurting and lost tonight, let them find rest in Jesus and hope in Your name. Thank you for the many tears that were shed today :) And please show your love and peace to those who are reading my post today. It's been a long time since I was this honest and transparent, so I pray for graciousness to me as I'm working to tear down these false walls of protection to let people into my life again!