Thanksgiving

I just finished watching End of the Spear, and am finding myself in tears.

This has been an emotional roller coaster of a Thanksgiving. This morning I read a post on Angie Smith's blog, which has actually since been removed, but I completed her original challenge to write down one thing that I am thankful for-but something that I don't necessarily feel thankful for. I completed this challenge in my journal and for the first time in 2 years, felt that I could completely and honestly speak to God the real feelings I was feeling. I've masked my heart, barricaded it inside walls I thought was protecting me from the hurts and brokenness I felt through that breakup and loss. It was a freeing moment, a realization that God has truly knit me from before time, has laid out my days before me, has given me purpose and direction. He will use that experience and period in my life for His glory and probably in ways I cannot even fathom at this moment. Again, I am brought to tears as I think about the way God has directed my steps since I came to know Him in 1997. There have been many experiences along the way, but my senior year in college stands out the most - it was when I was seeking God, finding Him, but for some reason I simply did not believe I could trust Him with my life. So I rebelled. I blatantly stood in God's presence - was given the choice of obedience or sin. And I chose sin. On several specific occasions. I thought I could guide my life on my own, in the direction I wanted to take it. Like the prodigal son, God let me go off on my own. But when all that I was seeking and putting my heart and time into was lost, God was there calling me home. But even though I tried to return, I was still trying to hide my shame and rebellion, so I didn't fully return to God. I feel like the events of the last few weeks have been a turning point - a shedding of past shame, guilt, fear to reveal that I have a heart created by God to love and serve Him. He has given me gifts, talents, passions, desires that I should not be afraid of. I know God is calling me to rediscover who I am - who He has created me to be. And I know that my past experiences, choices, & hurts will be redeemed to bring God glory. They are a part of my past - a part of how God has been at work in my life. And I pray He will use them in ways I can't even imagine.

And I really miss my Grandpa this Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for my family - that most of us could spend it together (except my cousin in Florida). This is our first Thanksgiving without my grandpa and it was hard. His absence was felt, once I looked up & saw the back of Dave's head and for a fleeting instant, thought it was Grandpa. But in the midst of his absence, there were tears, laughter, games played, new friendship with Kelli & Marcus's friend Siva (from Malaysia who joined our family Thanksgiving), and great conversations.

That brings me to my cousin Kalen, who for some reason I have just lost connection with. I was thinking about her today, how she and I used to be pen pals when she was in South Carolina as we were growing up. She visited in 6th grade and we had some stupid argument and it seems that since then there has just been this unspoken rift between us. It's like we just never addressed what happened and ever since, we just drifted apart. I am praying for God to crumble my stupid pride or fear and open an opportunity to mend that relationship. I have spent too much time being afraid of what people think and I want God to move in this brokenness I feel over this strained relationship. God, give me faith and humility to confess my wrongs, my pride for not addressing it sooner, and forgiveness for a decade of silence.

And then that brings me to this movie. I remember when M & I were struggling in our relationship, his bible study leader took him to see this movie, and afterward he recommended I see it sometime. I was upset he went because we had talked about seeing it together and he went w/out me. But it's always weird (Not really :) ) when God lets things happen in his own time - that He chose tonight for me to watch it. I was broken by the fact that this young boy, whose father was killed at the hand of a Waorani warrior was able to forgive that man, and eventually move to live with him. His own children see this former warrior like their own grandfather - the man who killed their actual grandfather. The crazy thing is that it's the story of the group of missionary men killed including Jim Elliot. In my 2004 cultural anthropology class, we actually read an ethnography on this people group. A people group known for their cycle of avenge-killing. It was the wives and children of the murdered missionaries who made the first successful contact with this people group. The wives of the murdered missionaries. I can't imagine losing a husband and then going to live and share Christ to his murderer. But God calls us to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek. How well do I do that? But these are God's people, God's creation. Who am I to think one person is "better" or more "worthy" to God? Who am I to judge who is worthy of salvation? Because the truth is, none of us are. But God has created each of us, given each a purpose. And I want to be available to encourage, to spur on, to love. And I need more of God to do so.

God broke a lot of walls down in my heart today. Now I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is while I'm standing here in the rubble :)

Lord, thank you for working in all circumstances, and thank you even more for all circumstances. Even the hard ones we'd like to erase or do differently. Help me to see that even the worst times are not for nothing. Jesus, I pray for the hurting and lost tonight, let them find rest in Jesus and hope in Your name. Thank you for the many tears that were shed today :) And please show your love and peace to those who are reading my post today. It's been a long time since I was this honest and transparent, so I pray for graciousness to me as I'm working to tear down these false walls of protection to let people into my life again!

A Moment of Distraction

If I were 7 again I would....have finished playing Little League in T-shirts at the end of the summer and loving it.

If there were an extra hour in the day...I would work out more - running, lifting weights, abs, Tae Bo, take a dance or kickboxing class.

My junk food indulgence of choice is...Mountain Dew/Code Red and anything chocolate.

The color yellow makes me think of...errors that still need work on our IVR testing spreadsheets (yay for work!)

The most used item in my kitchen is...the garbage can :)

Things I'm thankful for today...

1. Free McDonalds.

2. Reunionizing w/ great friends - spending even a short time w/ Meller & Andrea was saturating and encouraging and I love being able to join in their lives through prayer.

3. Friends willing to spend 5 hours in the car with me to go to IC for 4 hours :) Not only for their company and conversation, but for their accountability. I haven't been to IC since April and have never gone back without resorting to past choices that I'm trying to leave in the past. It was a good day, temptations were averted (well, old temptations were averted, because this time they weren't even temptations!). So, I'm very thankful for Emily & Chantalle for spending the day with me, and for Jess joining us for dinner.

4. Anticipating a roommate reunion - AO left a message on Facebook for New Year's plans and I'm eagerly awaiting more details. I'll hopefully get to see everyone in January for Meller's going away party at least.

5. Family birthday dinners. We had a good night of conversation, story telling, and laughter when we celebrated Grandma B's birthday at Carlos o'Kelly's. Follow that up w/ a night of bowling and hair dying and you've got yourself a fun Saturday night.

6. Chicago trip!! We leave in 4 days for Chicago - it will be my first time visiting. I've gone to the 'burbs to visit Six Flags and to the airport, but never downtown Chicago. Can't wait. It will probably be freezing, but oh well!

7. My job. It's been such a frustrating year in so many ways, and I'm trying not to let things get to my head - which can be hard when you do a good job and are complimented often; but to know that I am a valued and appreciated worker is such a compliment and I only hope that it can be attributed to my desire to do all things well and for the glory of God. I want my coworkers to see that there is something different about me and that it isn't me but it's God in me. I'm being blessed by new & growing friendships and will have an opportunity to spend time w/ the ladies next Wednesday when we get out early for the holidays. We're having a holiday cookie party after work at Boston's so it will be a chance to see people outside of the office. Pray for truth to be on my tongue through all conversations!

Lures & Jigs

Homestarrunner rocks my socks off.

I don't know how many years ago it was posted, but I remember watching it for the first time my freshman year of college in 2002 - but it's still my favorite. And we quote it at work all the time.

"Come on and get in the boat, fish! Come on and get in the boat, fish-fish!"
"Yes I'm awesome!!"

Click here to check it out.

And this one made my mom laugh out loud.

Randoms...

*To add an additional 'random' - can't forget that we live in a state that is 75+ degrees on Tuesday/Wednesday to turn to snow and highs of only 39 by Friday....ridiculous. I'm praying for a calm, light winter - bring on the cold, praying for less precipitation! First time I'll have to commute, not sure what to expect - pray for my safety and that of the other drivers on the road!!

Over the last few days random things have been brought to mind or have happened and I thought I'd share some of them here.

-Randomly remembered the road trip I took with Mike H & David D in 2003 to visit Jeff & Lisa T in Kansas City for the 4th of July. It was the first time I really did something spontaneous without telling anyone....and I got a lecture from Mom for taking a 14-year old out of the state without his parent's approval - I could have been arrested, according to her :) Great memory, we were only there for 18 hours before we had to come back home!

-I just got promoted today!! These were the comments from my supervisor:
"L consistently meets & exceeds the performance, adherence and attendance guidelines set within M*. She is a quick learner and eager to excel in her job. L displays excellent customer service skills as well as portrays a professional tone and solid product knowledge, when speaking with the insureds. She has received numerous compliments and awards for her outstanding customer service. Some of which are: 'Conservation - The Most Saves' for July and September 2008; '97% & Above for Adherence', 'Obtaining the Insured's Phone Number on Every Call', & 'Overall MVP for Meeting Benchmarks' for the motivational baseball game, played within the call center, to improve overall stats. She portrays a positive attitude and embraces change as growth opportunity. L is very well deserving of this promotion and a great asset to M*."

To any of you who have heard about this year - it's been challenging! (A stressful 3 month project that finally ended after 10 months!!) So thank you B* & M* for this promotion , it couldn't have come at a better time. I feel honored, recognized for the hard work that I have put in, and validated for my job performance. I am very humbled and grateful to be recognized in this way.

-I noticed I still have teeth marks on one of my shoes from a random friend who jokingly said they'd eat my shoe, put it in their mouth, and then bit it. That was almost a year ago.

-I enjoy inside jokes. Like divots. And flying ponies. Writing like the unibomber. Mmmbop.

I voted...

I was ballot number 661 at my precinct. I did my duty after a somewhat last minute decision, I registered day-of and voted. There's still time! Polls are open until 9:00pm.

Bebo Norman's Britney

"Suddenly, I saw her story not as something to mock, but as a real-life tragedy that is desperate for redemption and hope—a story not so different from any of our stories. Take away all the lights and cameras, and it’s really just a narrative of a girl so clearly in need of love, so clearly in need of the redeeming love of our God."

Read about the reason behind the song here.