Friday, September 07, 2007

I've been feeling kind of blue lately.

Blue in the sense that there are so many desires and joys of my heart, but for some reason, I have burried them deep w/in me. I have somehow lost who I am. I have been reading the Word a lot lately, it's been delicious to spend time in scripture; but at the same time, I'm seeing a reflection of myself and am having a hard time loving who God made me to be. Not because I don't like it, but because I don't see it. I have somehow buried my personality under layers and layers of fear of being exposed, judged, disliked, hurt. I've received comments that broke my spirit and instead of rising above the pain, I took those pieces and buried them deep inside my heart.

I don't know who I am anymore. I waste time w/ nothing. I pass my days in loneliness. Each day I long for new relationships, new experiences, new ways to live life and meet new people. And each day I get off from work, go home to my apartment, and pass time until it's time for bed. What am I doing? Why am I afraid to venture out on my own? Why do I feel the need to cling to the comfort of another person to take any steps of faith? Why have I choosen to find my "acceptance" by the standards of man? Why am I afraid to trust God?

Lord, I know you're working an amazing thing in my heart. Keep my eyes open to your leading, to your teaching, to the stirring of my heart. Help me not be afraid of what you reveal to me in its depths. Lord, heal my past hurts, let me let you have the broken pieces to restore. God I long to trust you, but am for whatever reason afraid to do so. I keep looking for another person to comfort & protect me.
God, show me where I can find rest in you, in the depth and truth of your word, and in the expression of my heart. Lord, help me find who I am, who you created me to be. I pray for a spirit of love and truth and faith, not one of timidity. Lord help me to embrace my own heart, my fears, my longings, my needs, and let me give them into your hands. Lord, help me find you, face to face, no barriers or fear in between us. No lies to believe anymore. Jesus, I need you.