I talked to a friend yesterday about past relationships and sin issues. Questions were raised as to why certain decisions were made and it really made me ponder my actions in the last year or so.
I think I have gotten fuzzy vision in my thinking about God, sin, grace, love, pride, and control. I know I struggled for a long time with these ideas and truths and I am still kind of standing in the midst of the fog. But I think the clearest and simplest truth is that I am a sinner. God loved and loves me and Jesus laid down His life for me. He has called me to lay down my life and follow Him, to be made in His likeness, and to live this life I have been given for Him. This last year I lost sight of that purpose, that calling, and lived for myself - fighting against God's word and commands. I forgot that it isn't about not doing what God tells me I should/shouldn't do - I became really rebellious against God's commands in my mind and my heart. But it is about choosing to TRUST God is who He says He is and that He really knows me and has my best in mind, even when I can't see or understand that. God is and was not trying to withhold good from me. I was trying to take what was not yet given to me. I did not trust God. Plain and simple.
So now where do I go from here? I have known the Lord for 11 years, realizing that is crazy, that even knowing someone for 11 years, you never fully REACH realization, truth, some end. It is a journey, and in the last 11 years the Lord has walked with me I've wandered in many valleys and deserts, and reached some amazing peaks with Him (sorry for cliches). But it's true, I will never FULLY know God, his purposes, his goodness, until I see Him face to face. But I can keep seeking Him, keep discovering new facets of His heart, His character, His love. That is what I want to truly know, that is what I want to do w/ my life - seek God, know God, love God, be loved by God, and live confident in Him.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
i can really identify with what you said here. I think over the course of the last year God has really shown me the deceptions I have created which keep me from trusting God. Theres this Christian life that Jesus calls us to, but there is a discrepancy between what should be and what is. So instead of trusting that God will transform me into what should be, i lie to myself and others in an attempt to make myself into what I should be. I don't know if that makes sense, it makes sense in my head I guess. Anyways, the result is that I live a miserable fragmented life because I stopped trusting God a long time ago.
ReplyDelete