***I posted this, then I removed it. Now I'm going to put it back up. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share these thoughts with the whole blogger world, but here you go.***

"What if marriage were meant to make us holy instead of happy?"
-tag line from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Good thought to ponder (found toward the end of this blog entry). I think I'm like any other girl in the world, I wonder about the relationship/person that will one day (hopefully) become my husband. I've had so many friends date, get engaged, get married (now starting to have babies :) ). I've run the roller coaster of emotions that most girls in college in their early 20's probably face - hope, desire, jealousy, fear, trust, frustration, impatience, hope.

My perception of marriage has evolved in the last decade. In high school, I definitely had the fairy-tale image - Prince Charming, sweeping me off my feet, walking barefoot in the hills of the mountains with my princess crown and flowing gown....okay, not seriously, but it was definitely floating-on-the-clouds mentality. Broken hearts, broken relationships, seeing other relationships grow - these taught me a lot about the concept of marriage. As did the Bible :) Marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ's relationship to the Church. And it takes work. A lot of work.

I had one relationship in college that I honestly thought would end up in marriage. Actually, I think I tried to drag it in that direction :) - [or maybe that should be a :( ???] I watched family, roommates, & friends date, get engaged, get married. I think this is when I started to feel jealous - left out, forgotten. Something. I started to think, "Lord, when is it going to be my turn?" I was starting my senior year of college, getting ready to graduate, and honestly, I think I was afraid to leave college 'single'. I don't mean to say this in any negative way towards my amazing friends - but a lot of them were leaving college married. I got scared. I began to have this bipolar relationship with God. I knew that he was in control, nothing happens outside of his timing. But I also didn't trust him/that, didn't trust the things I knew & believed. I questioned Him, I questioned the relationship he'd given me with M*. I think God wanted me to use that relationship to learn from, which I did - but I was unwilling to let go of what I thought I wanted from it, where I wanted it to end up. I struggled with sin - pride, jealousy, purity, expecting M* to sort of take the place of God in several aspects. I crippled M* with the things God was wanting me to come to Him with.

Love is an interesting thing. I honestly don't think I get it. Because God is love. But what does that mean? How do you know if/when you "love" someone? I thought I loved M*, and I think I did. I cared for him, for his heart, for the direction of his life. But what happens when love becomes selfish? It's dangerous, harmful, no longer "love". How do you "love" someone, let them go from your life, and learn to love again? Aaah.

But the thing is. I want to. God will allow me to. He will teach me how, teach me when, teach me who. He is molding and shaping my heart and without M* I wouldn't have learned certain conflict resolution skills, I wouldn't know that love is a choice and not always a feeling. I wouldn't understand grace and forgiveness as I do now (and am still learning!). I wouldn't be who I am now - the good and the bad :) Granted there's baggage, there's still pieces of brokenness God is mending, but there is hope. There is forgiveness. There is love.

Kate's Quotes of the Day (so far, and it's only 10:55 am)

***Updated - New Kate quotes:

"When I get sassy I use pet names, dear."

"ooooooh go shake a snowglobe."

"I don't doubt your basic math skills.
I doubt your ability to tell time.
or maybe I'm wrong...
just how many minutes are between 4:51 and 5:00 again??
seven or so right??
my snowman has other skills.
and would make your snowman cry in face to face combat.
hows that lasor pointer treating ya???
shot yourself in the eye lately?
just wondering...."


***End of update***

"I was craving McDonald's french fries and a vanilla shake last night. I wanted them more than I wanted air."

"I didn't get my vanilla shake and fries because my house was on fire."

"Do you know what it's like to live in my brain? It's extremely stressful."

Here are my random facts o' the day....

1. As I drove to work this morning, I slowed down for a rabbit/bunny crossing the street, when all of a sudden it stops its forward motion and literally begins chasing its tail....in a circle....like a dog. I thought it was going crazy. It may have been. Crazy Rabbit....literally :)

2. I should not be allowed to bake stuff. Seriously. Of my recent attempts (Snickerdoodles-uber failure, but still had a decent taste, not sure how; and Sugar cookies) I have never felt more frustration in the kitchen. I remember joys of baking with Mom as a child. Not so much fun as the adult. But I'm confident the cookies will taste lovely, they were just not a treat to whip up.

3. I got to leave work 2 hours early today! Woo-woo for VTO. Got the cookies done, going to work out, maybe watch Munich since it's due at the library on Wednesday, and get some sleep early since the snow's a-coming. Pray for my drive to work tomorrow!!

4. I feel like a teenager lately. Weird. Maybe it's because I've been spending more time with them this semester! But I love it, I love the girls (and guys) I've been getting to know at youth group. I love the leaders I work with. I love the adults who are teaching me and challenging me. I love this "semester", if you will (as I'm not really in school anymore - but it's a good way to measure time).

5. And last but not least. Looking forward to some great events - Christmas holidays with my family & friends (carolling, gifts, Christmas Eve service, chili, treats, laughter, tears), Impact in January, hopefully Nashville in March, possibly South Dakota in July. Throw in an Office party, some game nights, youth group events, and a few road trips. Should make for a fun start to 2009.