***I posted this, then I removed it. Now I'm going to put it back up. I wasn't sure if I wanted to share these thoughts with the whole blogger world, but here you go.***
"What if marriage were meant to make us holy instead of happy?"
-tag line from Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Good thought to ponder (found toward the end of this blog entry). I think I'm like any other girl in the world, I wonder about the relationship/person that will one day (hopefully) become my husband. I've had so many friends date, get engaged, get married (now starting to have babies :) ). I've run the roller coaster of emotions that most girls in college in their early 20's probably face - hope, desire, jealousy, fear, trust, frustration, impatience, hope.
My perception of marriage has evolved in the last decade. In high school, I definitely had the fairy-tale image - Prince Charming, sweeping me off my feet, walking barefoot in the hills of the mountains with my princess crown and flowing gown....okay, not seriously, but it was definitely floating-on-the-clouds mentality. Broken hearts, broken relationships, seeing other relationships grow - these taught me a lot about the concept of marriage. As did the Bible :) Marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ's relationship to the Church. And it takes work. A lot of work.
I had one relationship in college that I honestly thought would end up in marriage. Actually, I think I tried to drag it in that direction :) - [or maybe that should be a :( ???] I watched family, roommates, & friends date, get engaged, get married. I think this is when I started to feel jealous - left out, forgotten. Something. I started to think, "Lord, when is it going to be my turn?" I was starting my senior year of college, getting ready to graduate, and honestly, I think I was afraid to leave college 'single'. I don't mean to say this in any negative way towards my amazing friends - but a lot of them were leaving college married. I got scared. I began to have this bipolar relationship with God. I knew that he was in control, nothing happens outside of his timing. But I also didn't trust him/that, didn't trust the things I knew & believed. I questioned Him, I questioned the relationship he'd given me with M*. I think God wanted me to use that relationship to learn from, which I did - but I was unwilling to let go of what I thought I wanted from it, where I wanted it to end up. I struggled with sin - pride, jealousy, purity, expecting M* to sort of take the place of God in several aspects. I crippled M* with the things God was wanting me to come to Him with.
Love is an interesting thing. I honestly don't think I get it. Because God is love. But what does that mean? How do you know if/when you "love" someone? I thought I loved M*, and I think I did. I cared for him, for his heart, for the direction of his life. But what happens when love becomes selfish? It's dangerous, harmful, no longer "love". How do you "love" someone, let them go from your life, and learn to love again? Aaah.
But the thing is. I want to. God will allow me to. He will teach me how, teach me when, teach me who. He is molding and shaping my heart and without M* I wouldn't have learned certain conflict resolution skills, I wouldn't know that love is a choice and not always a feeling. I wouldn't understand grace and forgiveness as I do now (and am still learning!). I wouldn't be who I am now - the good and the bad :) Granted there's baggage, there's still pieces of brokenness God is mending, but there is hope. There is forgiveness. There is love.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Kate's Quotes of the Day (so far, and it's only 10:55 am)
***Updated - New Kate quotes:
"When I get sassy I use pet names, dear."
"ooooooh go shake a snowglobe."
"I don't doubt your basic math skills.
I doubt your ability to tell time.
or maybe I'm wrong...
just how many minutes are between 4:51 and 5:00 again??
seven or so right??
my snowman has other skills.
and would make your snowman cry in face to face combat.
hows that lasor pointer treating ya???
shot yourself in the eye lately?
just wondering...."
***End of update***
"I was craving McDonald's french fries and a vanilla shake last night. I wanted them more than I wanted air."
"I didn't get my vanilla shake and fries because my house was on fire."
"Do you know what it's like to live in my brain? It's extremely stressful."
"When I get sassy I use pet names, dear."
"ooooooh go shake a snowglobe."
"I don't doubt your basic math skills.
I doubt your ability to tell time.
or maybe I'm wrong...
just how many minutes are between 4:51 and 5:00 again??
seven or so right??
my snowman has other skills.
and would make your snowman cry in face to face combat.
hows that lasor pointer treating ya???
shot yourself in the eye lately?
just wondering...."
***End of update***
"I was craving McDonald's french fries and a vanilla shake last night. I wanted them more than I wanted air."
"I didn't get my vanilla shake and fries because my house was on fire."
"Do you know what it's like to live in my brain? It's extremely stressful."
Monday, December 08, 2008
Here are my random facts o' the day....
1. As I drove to work this morning, I slowed down for a rabbit/bunny crossing the street, when all of a sudden it stops its forward motion and literally begins chasing its tail....in a circle....like a dog. I thought it was going crazy. It may have been. Crazy Rabbit....literally :)
2. I should not be allowed to bake stuff. Seriously. Of my recent attempts (Snickerdoodles-uber failure, but still had a decent taste, not sure how; and Sugar cookies) I have never felt more frustration in the kitchen. I remember joys of baking with Mom as a child. Not so much fun as the adult. But I'm confident the cookies will taste lovely, they were just not a treat to whip up.
3. I got to leave work 2 hours early today! Woo-woo for VTO. Got the cookies done, going to work out, maybe watch Munich since it's due at the library on Wednesday, and get some sleep early since the snow's a-coming. Pray for my drive to work tomorrow!!
4. I feel like a teenager lately. Weird. Maybe it's because I've been spending more time with them this semester! But I love it, I love the girls (and guys) I've been getting to know at youth group. I love the leaders I work with. I love the adults who are teaching me and challenging me. I love this "semester", if you will (as I'm not really in school anymore - but it's a good way to measure time).
5. And last but not least. Looking forward to some great events - Christmas holidays with my family & friends (carolling, gifts, Christmas Eve service, chili, treats, laughter, tears), Impact in January, hopefully Nashville in March, possibly South Dakota in July. Throw in an Office party, some game nights, youth group events, and a few road trips. Should make for a fun start to 2009.
2. I should not be allowed to bake stuff. Seriously. Of my recent attempts (Snickerdoodles-uber failure, but still had a decent taste, not sure how; and Sugar cookies) I have never felt more frustration in the kitchen. I remember joys of baking with Mom as a child. Not so much fun as the adult. But I'm confident the cookies will taste lovely, they were just not a treat to whip up.
3. I got to leave work 2 hours early today! Woo-woo for VTO. Got the cookies done, going to work out, maybe watch Munich since it's due at the library on Wednesday, and get some sleep early since the snow's a-coming. Pray for my drive to work tomorrow!!
4. I feel like a teenager lately. Weird. Maybe it's because I've been spending more time with them this semester! But I love it, I love the girls (and guys) I've been getting to know at youth group. I love the leaders I work with. I love the adults who are teaching me and challenging me. I love this "semester", if you will (as I'm not really in school anymore - but it's a good way to measure time).
5. And last but not least. Looking forward to some great events - Christmas holidays with my family & friends (carolling, gifts, Christmas Eve service, chili, treats, laughter, tears), Impact in January, hopefully Nashville in March, possibly South Dakota in July. Throw in an Office party, some game nights, youth group events, and a few road trips. Should make for a fun start to 2009.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving
I just finished watching End of the Spear, and am finding myself in tears.
This has been an emotional roller coaster of a Thanksgiving. This morning I read a post on Angie Smith's blog, which has actually since been removed, but I completed her original challenge to write down one thing that I am thankful for-but something that I don't necessarily feel thankful for. I completed this challenge in my journal and for the first time in 2 years, felt that I could completely and honestly speak to God the real feelings I was feeling. I've masked my heart, barricaded it inside walls I thought was protecting me from the hurts and brokenness I felt through that breakup and loss. It was a freeing moment, a realization that God has truly knit me from before time, has laid out my days before me, has given me purpose and direction. He will use that experience and period in my life for His glory and probably in ways I cannot even fathom at this moment. Again, I am brought to tears as I think about the way God has directed my steps since I came to know Him in 1997. There have been many experiences along the way, but my senior year in college stands out the most - it was when I was seeking God, finding Him, but for some reason I simply did not believe I could trust Him with my life. So I rebelled. I blatantly stood in God's presence - was given the choice of obedience or sin. And I chose sin. On several specific occasions. I thought I could guide my life on my own, in the direction I wanted to take it. Like the prodigal son, God let me go off on my own. But when all that I was seeking and putting my heart and time into was lost, God was there calling me home. But even though I tried to return, I was still trying to hide my shame and rebellion, so I didn't fully return to God. I feel like the events of the last few weeks have been a turning point - a shedding of past shame, guilt, fear to reveal that I have a heart created by God to love and serve Him. He has given me gifts, talents, passions, desires that I should not be afraid of. I know God is calling me to rediscover who I am - who He has created me to be. And I know that my past experiences, choices, & hurts will be redeemed to bring God glory. They are a part of my past - a part of how God has been at work in my life. And I pray He will use them in ways I can't even imagine.
And I really miss my Grandpa this Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for my family - that most of us could spend it together (except my cousin in Florida). This is our first Thanksgiving without my grandpa and it was hard. His absence was felt, once I looked up & saw the back of Dave's head and for a fleeting instant, thought it was Grandpa. But in the midst of his absence, there were tears, laughter, games played, new friendship with Kelli & Marcus's friend Siva (from Malaysia who joined our family Thanksgiving), and great conversations.
That brings me to my cousin Kalen, who for some reason I have just lost connection with. I was thinking about her today, how she and I used to be pen pals when she was in South Carolina as we were growing up. She visited in 6th grade and we had some stupid argument and it seems that since then there has just been this unspoken rift between us. It's like we just never addressed what happened and ever since, we just drifted apart. I am praying for God to crumble my stupid pride or fear and open an opportunity to mend that relationship. I have spent too much time being afraid of what people think and I want God to move in this brokenness I feel over this strained relationship. God, give me faith and humility to confess my wrongs, my pride for not addressing it sooner, and forgiveness for a decade of silence.
And then that brings me to this movie. I remember when M & I were struggling in our relationship, his bible study leader took him to see this movie, and afterward he recommended I see it sometime. I was upset he went because we had talked about seeing it together and he went w/out me. But it's always weird (Not really :) ) when God lets things happen in his own time - that He chose tonight for me to watch it. I was broken by the fact that this young boy, whose father was killed at the hand of a Waorani warrior was able to forgive that man, and eventually move to live with him. His own children see this former warrior like their own grandfather - the man who killed their actual grandfather. The crazy thing is that it's the story of the group of missionary men killed including Jim Elliot. In my 2004 cultural anthropology class, we actually read an ethnography on this people group. A people group known for their cycle of avenge-killing. It was the wives and children of the murdered missionaries who made the first successful contact with this people group. The wives of the murdered missionaries. I can't imagine losing a husband and then going to live and share Christ to his murderer. But God calls us to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek. How well do I do that? But these are God's people, God's creation. Who am I to think one person is "better" or more "worthy" to God? Who am I to judge who is worthy of salvation? Because the truth is, none of us are. But God has created each of us, given each a purpose. And I want to be available to encourage, to spur on, to love. And I need more of God to do so.
God broke a lot of walls down in my heart today. Now I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is while I'm standing here in the rubble :)
Lord, thank you for working in all circumstances, and thank you even more for all circumstances. Even the hard ones we'd like to erase or do differently. Help me to see that even the worst times are not for nothing. Jesus, I pray for the hurting and lost tonight, let them find rest in Jesus and hope in Your name. Thank you for the many tears that were shed today :) And please show your love and peace to those who are reading my post today. It's been a long time since I was this honest and transparent, so I pray for graciousness to me as I'm working to tear down these false walls of protection to let people into my life again!
This has been an emotional roller coaster of a Thanksgiving. This morning I read a post on Angie Smith's blog, which has actually since been removed, but I completed her original challenge to write down one thing that I am thankful for-but something that I don't necessarily feel thankful for. I completed this challenge in my journal and for the first time in 2 years, felt that I could completely and honestly speak to God the real feelings I was feeling. I've masked my heart, barricaded it inside walls I thought was protecting me from the hurts and brokenness I felt through that breakup and loss. It was a freeing moment, a realization that God has truly knit me from before time, has laid out my days before me, has given me purpose and direction. He will use that experience and period in my life for His glory and probably in ways I cannot even fathom at this moment. Again, I am brought to tears as I think about the way God has directed my steps since I came to know Him in 1997. There have been many experiences along the way, but my senior year in college stands out the most - it was when I was seeking God, finding Him, but for some reason I simply did not believe I could trust Him with my life. So I rebelled. I blatantly stood in God's presence - was given the choice of obedience or sin. And I chose sin. On several specific occasions. I thought I could guide my life on my own, in the direction I wanted to take it. Like the prodigal son, God let me go off on my own. But when all that I was seeking and putting my heart and time into was lost, God was there calling me home. But even though I tried to return, I was still trying to hide my shame and rebellion, so I didn't fully return to God. I feel like the events of the last few weeks have been a turning point - a shedding of past shame, guilt, fear to reveal that I have a heart created by God to love and serve Him. He has given me gifts, talents, passions, desires that I should not be afraid of. I know God is calling me to rediscover who I am - who He has created me to be. And I know that my past experiences, choices, & hurts will be redeemed to bring God glory. They are a part of my past - a part of how God has been at work in my life. And I pray He will use them in ways I can't even imagine.
And I really miss my Grandpa this Thanksgiving. I am so thankful for my family - that most of us could spend it together (except my cousin in Florida). This is our first Thanksgiving without my grandpa and it was hard. His absence was felt, once I looked up & saw the back of Dave's head and for a fleeting instant, thought it was Grandpa. But in the midst of his absence, there were tears, laughter, games played, new friendship with Kelli & Marcus's friend Siva (from Malaysia who joined our family Thanksgiving), and great conversations.
That brings me to my cousin Kalen, who for some reason I have just lost connection with. I was thinking about her today, how she and I used to be pen pals when she was in South Carolina as we were growing up. She visited in 6th grade and we had some stupid argument and it seems that since then there has just been this unspoken rift between us. It's like we just never addressed what happened and ever since, we just drifted apart. I am praying for God to crumble my stupid pride or fear and open an opportunity to mend that relationship. I have spent too much time being afraid of what people think and I want God to move in this brokenness I feel over this strained relationship. God, give me faith and humility to confess my wrongs, my pride for not addressing it sooner, and forgiveness for a decade of silence.
And then that brings me to this movie. I remember when M & I were struggling in our relationship, his bible study leader took him to see this movie, and afterward he recommended I see it sometime. I was upset he went because we had talked about seeing it together and he went w/out me. But it's always weird (Not really :) ) when God lets things happen in his own time - that He chose tonight for me to watch it. I was broken by the fact that this young boy, whose father was killed at the hand of a Waorani warrior was able to forgive that man, and eventually move to live with him. His own children see this former warrior like their own grandfather - the man who killed their actual grandfather. The crazy thing is that it's the story of the group of missionary men killed including Jim Elliot. In my 2004 cultural anthropology class, we actually read an ethnography on this people group. A people group known for their cycle of avenge-killing. It was the wives and children of the murdered missionaries who made the first successful contact with this people group. The wives of the murdered missionaries. I can't imagine losing a husband and then going to live and share Christ to his murderer. But God calls us to love our enemies, to turn the other cheek. How well do I do that? But these are God's people, God's creation. Who am I to think one person is "better" or more "worthy" to God? Who am I to judge who is worthy of salvation? Because the truth is, none of us are. But God has created each of us, given each a purpose. And I want to be available to encourage, to spur on, to love. And I need more of God to do so.
God broke a lot of walls down in my heart today. Now I'm just trying to figure out what the next step is while I'm standing here in the rubble :)
Lord, thank you for working in all circumstances, and thank you even more for all circumstances. Even the hard ones we'd like to erase or do differently. Help me to see that even the worst times are not for nothing. Jesus, I pray for the hurting and lost tonight, let them find rest in Jesus and hope in Your name. Thank you for the many tears that were shed today :) And please show your love and peace to those who are reading my post today. It's been a long time since I was this honest and transparent, so I pray for graciousness to me as I'm working to tear down these false walls of protection to let people into my life again!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
A Moment of Distraction
If I were 7 again I would....have finished playing Little League in T-shirts at the end of the summer and loving it.
If there were an extra hour in the day...I would work out more - running, lifting weights, abs, Tae Bo, take a dance or kickboxing class.
My junk food indulgence of choice is...Mountain Dew/Code Red and anything chocolate.
The color yellow makes me think of...errors that still need work on our IVR testing spreadsheets (yay for work!)
The most used item in my kitchen is...the garbage can :)
If there were an extra hour in the day...I would work out more - running, lifting weights, abs, Tae Bo, take a dance or kickboxing class.
My junk food indulgence of choice is...Mountain Dew/Code Red and anything chocolate.
The color yellow makes me think of...errors that still need work on our IVR testing spreadsheets (yay for work!)
The most used item in my kitchen is...the garbage can :)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Things I'm thankful for today...
1. Free McDonalds.
2. Reunionizing w/ great friends - spending even a short time w/ Meller & Andrea was saturating and encouraging and I love being able to join in their lives through prayer.
3. Friends willing to spend 5 hours in the car with me to go to IC for 4 hours :) Not only for their company and conversation, but for their accountability. I haven't been to IC since April and have never gone back without resorting to past choices that I'm trying to leave in the past. It was a good day, temptations were averted (well, old temptations were averted, because this time they weren't even temptations!). So, I'm very thankful for Emily & Chantalle for spending the day with me, and for Jess joining us for dinner.
4. Anticipating a roommate reunion - AO left a message on Facebook for New Year's plans and I'm eagerly awaiting more details. I'll hopefully get to see everyone in January for Meller's going away party at least.
5. Family birthday dinners. We had a good night of conversation, story telling, and laughter when we celebrated Grandma B's birthday at Carlos o'Kelly's. Follow that up w/ a night of bowling and hair dying and you've got yourself a fun Saturday night.
6. Chicago trip!! We leave in 4 days for Chicago - it will be my first time visiting. I've gone to the 'burbs to visit Six Flags and to the airport, but never downtown Chicago. Can't wait. It will probably be freezing, but oh well!
7. My job. It's been such a frustrating year in so many ways, and I'm trying not to let things get to my head - which can be hard when you do a good job and are complimented often; but to know that I am a valued and appreciated worker is such a compliment and I only hope that it can be attributed to my desire to do all things well and for the glory of God. I want my coworkers to see that there is something different about me and that it isn't me but it's God in me. I'm being blessed by new & growing friendships and will have an opportunity to spend time w/ the ladies next Wednesday when we get out early for the holidays. We're having a holiday cookie party after work at Boston's so it will be a chance to see people outside of the office. Pray for truth to be on my tongue through all conversations!
2. Reunionizing w/ great friends - spending even a short time w/ Meller & Andrea was saturating and encouraging and I love being able to join in their lives through prayer.
3. Friends willing to spend 5 hours in the car with me to go to IC for 4 hours :) Not only for their company and conversation, but for their accountability. I haven't been to IC since April and have never gone back without resorting to past choices that I'm trying to leave in the past. It was a good day, temptations were averted (well, old temptations were averted, because this time they weren't even temptations!). So, I'm very thankful for Emily & Chantalle for spending the day with me, and for Jess joining us for dinner.
4. Anticipating a roommate reunion - AO left a message on Facebook for New Year's plans and I'm eagerly awaiting more details. I'll hopefully get to see everyone in January for Meller's going away party at least.
5. Family birthday dinners. We had a good night of conversation, story telling, and laughter when we celebrated Grandma B's birthday at Carlos o'Kelly's. Follow that up w/ a night of bowling and hair dying and you've got yourself a fun Saturday night.
6. Chicago trip!! We leave in 4 days for Chicago - it will be my first time visiting. I've gone to the 'burbs to visit Six Flags and to the airport, but never downtown Chicago. Can't wait. It will probably be freezing, but oh well!
7. My job. It's been such a frustrating year in so many ways, and I'm trying not to let things get to my head - which can be hard when you do a good job and are complimented often; but to know that I am a valued and appreciated worker is such a compliment and I only hope that it can be attributed to my desire to do all things well and for the glory of God. I want my coworkers to see that there is something different about me and that it isn't me but it's God in me. I'm being blessed by new & growing friendships and will have an opportunity to spend time w/ the ladies next Wednesday when we get out early for the holidays. We're having a holiday cookie party after work at Boston's so it will be a chance to see people outside of the office. Pray for truth to be on my tongue through all conversations!
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