Sorry....it's been a few months...

Not having internet at home has limited my ability to post on a more frequent basis.
1 - I like to post pictures, and I just don't have them on my work computer.
2 - Fall enrollments are finally coming (have come) to a close, which means I can breathe again between calls at work! And it's not just a breath, it's almost enough for a nap, but I can't complain.
3 - I have a hard time putting things into words anyway, so though I have several things I could have blogged about, I've just kept putting them off!

Well, no more! I'm back, I'll try to be more consistent, and we'll see what happens.


For starters - I went to Niagara Falls w/ Jess the weekend before Thanksgiving and we had a blast - pics to come once I can load them onto my computer - I'm short on disc space so I have to coordinate it w/ my internet access.....Panera, we'll have a date in the near future (I LOVE their chicken noodle soup!!)

I've been at work 7 1/2 hours and talked to 26 people, average talk time 4:19, you do the math, that's a lot of free time today :) I've played a many game of TestTwist, MahJong, and Super Collapse 3; done 2 crossword puzzles, read People's Sexiest Man Alive issue that I bought while waiting out the weather at the airport in Chicago; checked email dozens of times; read Joel for my daily Bible reading and read everyone else's blogs. Blast for want of more stimulating things to do. I'm waiting for the library to call with the next Karen Kingbury book I have on hold - Found. We were all hoping they'd shut the office down early for the "snow storm" that's been coming in. I haven't been outside today, heard roads are bad, just not enough to close down - apparently buildings downtown closed early, according to rumors circulating the floor anyway.

I opened my first Christmas gift last night :) The entire series of Friends!! Can you believe it? I certainly was in shock. Merry Christmas came a little early! Gotta love living with Kel & Marcus. They let me turn on the Christmas lights, put on Christmas music, light some candles so it smelled like "Christmas" and they let me open their gift. Thanks you guys!!

Our company decided today via a conference call to close our office on Christmas Eve!! Woo-woo for an extra holiday! They were orignally going to close at 1:00pm, now we have the whole day off!!

I've been feeling kind of blue lately.

Blue in the sense that there are so many desires and joys of my heart, but for some reason, I have burried them deep w/in me. I have somehow lost who I am. I have been reading the Word a lot lately, it's been delicious to spend time in scripture; but at the same time, I'm seeing a reflection of myself and am having a hard time loving who God made me to be. Not because I don't like it, but because I don't see it. I have somehow buried my personality under layers and layers of fear of being exposed, judged, disliked, hurt. I've received comments that broke my spirit and instead of rising above the pain, I took those pieces and buried them deep inside my heart.

I don't know who I am anymore. I waste time w/ nothing. I pass my days in loneliness. Each day I long for new relationships, new experiences, new ways to live life and meet new people. And each day I get off from work, go home to my apartment, and pass time until it's time for bed. What am I doing? Why am I afraid to venture out on my own? Why do I feel the need to cling to the comfort of another person to take any steps of faith? Why have I choosen to find my "acceptance" by the standards of man? Why am I afraid to trust God?

Lord, I know you're working an amazing thing in my heart. Keep my eyes open to your leading, to your teaching, to the stirring of my heart. Help me not be afraid of what you reveal to me in its depths. Lord, heal my past hurts, let me let you have the broken pieces to restore. God I long to trust you, but am for whatever reason afraid to do so. I keep looking for another person to comfort & protect me.
God, show me where I can find rest in you, in the depth and truth of your word, and in the expression of my heart. Lord, help me find who I am, who you created me to be. I pray for a spirit of love and truth and faith, not one of timidity. Lord help me to embrace my own heart, my fears, my longings, my needs, and let me give them into your hands. Lord, help me find you, face to face, no barriers or fear in between us. No lies to believe anymore. Jesus, I need you.

39 hours and counting....

....And I will be in San Diego with Katie!

I am excited for several reasons:

1) I haven't seen Katie since March and in that time she has gotten ENGAGED, decided to move to TENNESSEE and I am looking forward to all the DETAILS!!

2) I haven't taken a vacation for a very long time. I'm so ready to get anywhere outside of Iowa, just for a change of scenery. It will be quick, but hopefully full and refreshing.

3) We are hopefully going to visit the Museum of Natural History's exhibit on the Dead Sea Scrolls. They are something I have wanted to see, pretty much since I learned they existed (and found out what they were!). Unfortunatly I also found out they do not allow any cameras inside - I was desparately hoping for some awesome artistic shots of such an amazing piece of our history. But check out this link for general information on the scrolls: http://www.sdnhm.org/scrolls/dss_faqs.html; or http://www.sdnhm.org/scrolls/index.html for general information on the exhibit. I'm so excited!

4) Flying/Travelling by myself for the first time ever! I could hardly sleep this morning, I was already anticipating what would happen if I overslept Friday and missed my flight. I'm getting too paranoid! Just got to pray about it and leave the details w/ the Lord, I over-plan for pretty much everything I do. I have to TRUST He will care for me and that things will come together.

5) Katie Brannan hugs! I know that if you know Katie, you KNOW what I'm talking about!

6) Blessings by conversation, fellowship, laughter, sunshine, sleepiness, and catching up w/ old college roommates. So worth a tired week at work afterward.

Can't wait to see you Katie!!

I'm a WINNER!

Today was Fair Day at work. We had a celebration complete with hot dogs, snacks, casual dress day - meaning t-shirts were okay!, and we ended the day with a butter sculpting contest.

I know, I know, only in Iowa.
(I'm not a fair aficionado, so maybe it's not only in Iowa???)

Anyway, I wasn't real sure about my feelings for sculpting things in butter, but I thought, could be fun. And my break just happened to fall right in the time allowed for construction. I don't think of myself as a super creative person, yet I have my quirks. So I decided to follow a route that proved successful in the past.

I sculpted a penguin out of my stick of butter. I even made a semi-circle igloo home for my friend. (Misch and I had carved a penguin in our pumpkin at Halloween last year.)

And I won 1st prize!

I wish I had a picture of the winning sculpture, but I don't have a camera here at work. Plus, by now all of the creations may have melted. Maybe I'll figure out a way to sneak a shot w/ my camera phone.....unless they've already found their way into a trash can!

It got me thinking

I talked to a friend yesterday about past relationships and sin issues. Questions were raised as to why certain decisions were made and it really made me ponder my actions in the last year or so.

I think I have gotten fuzzy vision in my thinking about God, sin, grace, love, pride, and control. I know I struggled for a long time with these ideas and truths and I am still kind of standing in the midst of the fog. But I think the clearest and simplest truth is that I am a sinner. God loved and loves me and Jesus laid down His life for me. He has called me to lay down my life and follow Him, to be made in His likeness, and to live this life I have been given for Him. This last year I lost sight of that purpose, that calling, and lived for myself - fighting against God's word and commands. I forgot that it isn't about not doing what God tells me I should/shouldn't do - I became really rebellious against God's commands in my mind and my heart. But it is about choosing to TRUST God is who He says He is and that He really knows me and has my best in mind, even when I can't see or understand that. God is and was not trying to withhold good from me. I was trying to take what was not yet given to me. I did not trust God. Plain and simple.

So now where do I go from here? I have known the Lord for 11 years, realizing that is crazy, that even knowing someone for 11 years, you never fully REACH realization, truth, some end. It is a journey, and in the last 11 years the Lord has walked with me I've wandered in many valleys and deserts, and reached some amazing peaks with Him (sorry for cliches). But it's true, I will never FULLY know God, his purposes, his goodness, until I see Him face to face. But I can keep seeking Him, keep discovering new facets of His heart, His character, His love. That is what I want to truly know, that is what I want to do w/ my life - seek God, know God, love God, be loved by God, and live confident in Him.

I did it....

........I got a new car!!

She's a 2004 Dodge Neon SXT, lovely charcoal gray beauty.


Crazy. I'm on my own now....